The other side of the pain

A co-worker's daughter has been struggling with fertility for a few years now, and she just recently learned that aside from In-vitro Fertilization, there is really no hope of her becoming pregnant. In some ways, hubby and I were lucky we didn't have to get that far in our fertility treatments to achieve pregnancy. My problem was simply that I wasn't ovulating.

When our insurance finally agreed to pay for treatments, I spent three years "experimenting" with different fertility drugs before the doctor's finally found the right combination to make me ovulate. Once that happened, a few more pills and a shot each month, and I was pregnant. I lost the first baby early in the first trimester, but knowing what worked helped me to get pregnant very quickly again. The problem was that even though the drugs made my body work right to ovulate, they did nothing for helping my body through the pregnancy...I lost my second pregnancy in the second trimester.

For all the heartache and physical pain I went through, it was worth it. No, I never got to see my babies' beautiful faces, and I will never get to hold them, but I got to feel them grow and move inside me. I got to sense that wonderous feeling that comes with knowing I was having a baby.

I feel that way now even though this baby is growing in my heart, not my womb. That feeling takes away the emptiness being childless has left in my life. Even though I've been where my co-worker's daughter is right now, I could never go back completely.

Knowing what that pain feels like makes me sad because I've made it a few steps farther than she has. I've been able to live on the other side of the pain because I've felt a baby growing in my body, and now I feel a baby growing in my heart who will soon be in my arms.

I will never forget the babies I didn't get to bring home--they will never leave my heart. I will always bear the physical and emotional scars of losing them, but I will also always remember the joy their presence brought to our lives. I never thought I'd say this, but I am so amazingly lucky to have had them even though our time together was short. Yes, it is truly better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all!

So to my co-worker's daughter...I've been in your shoes...I've walked your path, and I know the struggle and grief you are going through. I pray everyday that whether your baby grows in your body or your heart, you will get to bring them home soon!